Currently Listening Oh, Inverted World By The Shins New Slang see related

mmhmmm

Another ridiculously random entry, to further prove that I only blog online when I'm too tired to journal and I know whatever it is I am thinking it too idiotic to commit to paper.

First day of fall semester classes, which always makes me feel like a 7 year old and reminds me that: once a homeschooler, always a homeschooler. I wander around campus seeking familiar faces, inwardly sneering at some of the arrogant freshman as I thank God that there are about 200 people more nervous about classes than I am.

It's something about not knowing what the professors will be like and who I'll have class with that drives me into a frenzy. My type-A-dominant-control-freak personality has serious issues with not knowing what will come, even if it's something as silly as an economics class.

And what bothers me even more is that I'm saying it aloud, and typing it furiously. I hate that I'm admitting it and that I'm not as independent as I fancy myself.

It's comforting to know that some things don't change. Depressing to realize how much I rely on the hope that they won't. Amusing to look back and see what changes whether I like it or not, for better or worse.

Not matter how much I ramble or complain or avoid... I'm still without a major, except for an almost AA degree in Liberal Arts. No matter how many friends I have, or how many friends have transferred, I still don't know where I'm transferring too. And now matter how much I fight God, he's still in control.

Currently Listening Illinois By Sufjan Stevens see related

[would you like a wake-up call?]

how like me, to be still awake at 12:20 when i need to up at 6. and since i'm getting sick, this will do wonders for my immune system.

*sigh*

usually when i can't sleep like this... God is trying to speak something to my heart and i've been to busy to listen. sometimes when i can't sleep and i'm alone with my thoughts.... is the only quiet opportunity that i give Him the chance to speak into.
....... how sad that the One who loves me more then everyone else, is the one i shut out so frequently.

so here i sit, examining my heart for the first time in...... too long. hours, days, weeks... i don't know. it feels like an eternity.
... sometimes taking a sleeping pill sounds endlessly better then being alone with the awful condition of my heart.
shutting God out is a prime example of how i misprioritize my life on a daily basis. combined with my still present desire to control every apect of my life..... it makes a nasty cocktail.
but isn't giving over my final say and command over my life part of the very core of following God? i hate my rhetorical questions, yes. it is.

when will i learn? i'm so tired of learning this lesson. that i shouldn't be in control, that i can't be in control. or sure i can, if i want to turn my back on God and His will.
God i know in my heart that your plans are better then mine, why is it is so hard to convince my head? i have kicked myself off the throne of my life....... but every morning a part of me struggles to reconstruct my kingdom to my liking.

i want to move past this... i hate being stagnant and i refuse to be lukewarm... but as the trial and error that is my life has proven.... *i* can't move past this.... i can't get my life anywhere that it need to go.

please help me Lord. the mountain's so high... i wade in the depths.

Currently Listening Queen - Greatest Hits By Queen see related

so i'm finally back. the chaos of school is over, and the chaos of life and work and drama and everything else, has paused just long enough for a (most likely very retarded) entry.

[the only straight people on the speedline.]

having zach come visit me was sooooo much fun and a long time coming. i had a blast with him, aaron and lee.... the drive-in movie, philly, and everything in between. zach has some good friends, aaron really encouraged me.... and i don't think i've laughed so hysterically in a quite a while.
it was so totally.... dunn, getting to hang out with zach like that. words used in everyday english just don't capture it fully.

now that zach has come and gone, life is back to "normal" and the pool is fiiiiiiiiiiiiiinally open. yaaay. i haven't actually gone in yet, but i sat out in the sun with my mom the other day while the kids swam... and the sun felt good. :op
work is work... but since kelly usually works with me and it's always just the 2 of us, it's so much fun. as retarded as it sounds, it's something i really thank God for. kel and i hung out last summer but that haven't much since then. and when we work together... even if it isn't too slow, we always find time to talk about more then whether mark mccallum is going to come in or not.

i JUST got back from a retreat for the leaders of the jr. high..... we camped in some random gorgeous state park in northern pennsylvania. i'm used to it taking awhile to warm up there for the summer... but the weather reallly took me by surprise. cooooold. and it was just a miserable rainy weekend in general. but totally a blast. good times with good friends. diana and i haven't hung out in a while and i hadn't really talked to sarah since she's been home from college.... and i ended up driving both ways and sharing a tent with them and becky. i love when God takes care of the little tiny things that don't even really matter... except they matter to me. this retreat was exactly what i needed.... a time to just get away and relax with friends. not worry about anything for just a few days.
i talked with lauren a lot this weekend.... and i borrowed her cd player for part of the time...thus my album choice. queen will be stuck in my head for the next 3 weeks.
and even though we didn't really hang out, i had a really great time with hope. i think we officially officially bonded this weekend.
and ali..... is just my bestest friend. she understands me. so weird. i think the 2 of us should just communicate through telepathy, because our communication skills towards each other about the everyday need-to-know kind of things, tends to be a little incomplete.

napoleon dynamite was quoted more this weekend then i ever knew possible. in fact, by the end, everything everyone said sounded like a line from that movie, even when it wasn't. thank goodness we were all too tired and pleasantly mooded to care.
we befriended a raccoon that was affectionately dubbed "chunky-bottom" by diana, who also swore to "fashion a sharpened stick and set it ablaze" if it attacked anyway. my life would be so boring without diana.
she also caught a most delicious bass for the boat rental guy at the lake.... or blue eyes as she and i named him. but it was actually a dead fish and she threw it back before we hit shore... so i'm not sure how impressed he was by our tale.

i'm so tired....

so that's it. the past couple weeks have been a lot of fun.... i feel like i sound like a repeating Barbie, rehashing the same happy beachy catch phrases.

whatever. life is good. God is awesome. now i sound like i'm 7, but that part i don't care about.

Currently Playing Paranoid By Black Sabbath Iron Man* see related

[a splash of color in a dreary world]

that line from a knight's tale has been in my head all day... don't know why.

i still feel pretty horrible and congested... but i STILL need to clean my room. i think that if there are such things as monsters... they are birthed out of really messy rooms like mine. so i figure i should clean it up before i have mass breeding of green slimy fanged creatures on my hands.

Currently Playing Freaky Friday By Various Artists see related

*groans* i hate dealing with life..... especially when my nose is running.

my room looks like the clothes monster taken up residence .... i'm having trouble figuring out where the tv is... i gave up on the floor days ago. so instead of folding the clean clothes again and putting them away, and throwing the dirty ones in the wash, i've been doing the daily ritual of "where is that stupid shirt... i know it's here somewhere.... maybe under the pile of jeans...." pulling out what i can find and hoping for the best. i really need to clean my room. but when i clean my room, i realize that i have more clothes then i have space, and then either i start throwing things away that i'll regret tossing later on, or i just give up on the spot.

and the more i think about school and the fact i am sick, the more i realize that it's a wonder that i caught a cold and not some fatal illness. if you think of the doorhandles i touch, the desks i use, the keyboards..... ewww. i'm going to start carrying a vat of hand sanitizer around with me.

i'm going to go.... boil my hands.. or something.